Thoughts and Feelings before Motherhood

Hello Dear Readers,

Man, it has been too long hasn’t it. Sorry I have been out for so long, there has just been a lot going on with Ryan and me. All good things though so don’t you fret. To make a long story short, in the last 9 months of marriage Ryan got a new job, we moved, and we are about to have our first baby. Yes, you heard me right we are literally days away from having our first baby!

Like any normal first-time mom, I am both excited and a little nervous (as one should be). The best part is that I get to share the joys of parenthood with my wonderful husband and partner (he is just as excited and nervous as I am).

There were so many times I wanted to sit down and write a blog post but every time I thought about it I didn’t really know what I wanted to write about because I didn’t think what I had to say mattered and it felt like my life was kind of mundane. Then I got to thinking, what if I do have something to say and it may help someone else in the future or it may even help me process all my thoughts and feelings.

Throughout this pregnancy I have often wondered what kind of a mom I would be. Obviously in a world where everyone’s lives are public and filtered it is hard to see what women really go through when it comes to pregnancy or motherhood. You hear people say, “Oh you will love it and it goes by so fast,” or “Enjoy your free time while it lasts because your baby will take all your time, sleep, and energy.” It is so hard to hear some of that negativity because a child should be a blessing and not something that you are dreading, and I know that it will be hard because that is just how parenting is, but why can we not just trust that God will provide all that we need?

Now am I saying that God is going to make my life a breeze? NO! I am saying that if it was God’s will for me to have this baby as early as we did then both Ryan and I need to make sure that we honor Him with our actions, attitude, and love toward this child. Now that is a little easier said than done. So far, I have had a pretty good pregnancy. I have not had any weird cravings and not a lot of pain. I have been so blessed by God during this time and I cannot be more thankful, but that does not mean I have not struggled.

When we moved, I had to quit my job and because Ryan makes enough money to support our family, we thought it was best that I became a stay-at-home mom. Now growing up my mother was a stay-at-home mom and I loved that she was with us all the time and I don’t regret that time and energy that she poured into us. Before I even met Ryan, I told myself that if it was possible, I wanted to be at home with the kids while they grow as well because that is what my mom did, and I want to raise my own kids. Saying, “I want to be a stay-at-home mom,” and doing the housewife life is harder than it looks.

My brain was wired to think that having a job would provide for the family and it gave me a purpose to get up in the mornings and be productive for eight hours of the day. Now my day consists of waking up and having breakfast with Ryan, waving goodbye as he leaves the driveway and then trying to find different things to do for the next eight hours without feeling bored or useless. I have had to learn the past two months of not having a job that being a housewife IS my job now. It is a hard mindset to break, and I will tell you what, Dear Readers, there were some days where I just sat and cried because I thought I was not doing a good job providing for the family. Days like those were hard on Ryan too because he is trying to reassure me while also trying to help me think positively (which sometimes helped and other times it didn’t).

It is common to self-doubt! That is how the Devil puts a foot in the doorway and sneaks in. Self-doubt is not a weakness but a human condition. Dear Reader, if you ever struggle with any kind of self-doubt the best place to go is to the Lord, and after that go to someone who you trust who will tell you the truth and lift you up. Now that I have had two months to change my mind set, I am ready to have my baby, but there is one problem, my baby is late! Now I am stuck in a limbo phase because I am all done nesting (a term which means getting everything ready for a baby to come) but no baby.

This has been challenging for Ryan and I because all we want is for our little one to be welcomed into the world so that we can kiss, hug, and love on it. I have been trying to tell myself, “All in God’s timing,” and I know God will provide when the time is right, but it is just hard to be patient when you are almost a week late, and you just want to be a parent. Full disclosure, I have also had a hard time with all the questions being thrown at me from a hundred different directions. “Where is the baby?” “When is the baby coming?” “Are you feeling, ok?” “Are you going to have a baby today?” As much as I LOVE our families it is hard to answer all these questions when you are just as frustrated that the baby has not come yet. I don’t ever want to sound snippy or ungrateful for their concern but sometimes I do wish the questions would stop and everyone would just trust that they will know about the baby as soon as we do.

I never want to leave family out especially since this is the first grandbaby and great grandbaby for both of our families so no wonder why everyone is anxious. Imagine how Ryan and I feel. We are about to be first time parents and we are anxious too, but we are trying to be faithful to the Lord and just respect His timing. Today I was sitting in a warm bath crying because I just want this baby so bad that my heart is just breaking every day, I cannot say hello. My husband is so great because when he came into the bathroom and saw the tears rolling down my face, he bent down, looked at me and said, “You know you are doing so great hone? And you have been so good at not complaining this whole time, but we need to keep believing that God has a plan, even when it is hard.”

WOW!! I could not ask for a better husband and supporter in my life, Thank you God!

As I am writing this, I want you all to know, Dear Readers, that life is not going to be easy all the time and because we are human, we will feel and say things that reflect how we feel. Expressing yourself is not a sin and when we bring those things to the Lord, He is always there for us and willing to listen. For those of you that are mothers I just want to encourage you and let you know that you are not alone. I cannot wait to join the parenthood community with Ryan because I truly believe we will put God first and show our kids what it is to have a good and healthy marriage while raising them with discipline and love. Am I saying our kids are going to be perfect or we are going to be perfect parents? NOT AT ALL, but if we do our best and give God the glory, He will bring favor and the Holy Spirit will guide us and our children.

It is so good to be back, Dear Readers, and I hope to write to you again soon telling you about all my motherhood adventures or even something I will learn about myself through this time.

Until Next Time,

Peace Out, Lovers!